Problem-Solving When You Can’t Solve the Problem
Last time we talked about the differences between problem-solving and overthinking, and how to apply that to different difficulties that you may experience in your life (if you have not done so, please read the post here). Today we are going to be talking about how to use the problem-solving technique when you have a problem that doesn’t have a solution, such as when you are having difficult feelings that you are struggling to cope with, or find yourself in a situation that you are unable to change.
To review, one main difference between overthinking and problem-solving is that when you are overthinking, your thoughts feel productive but really aren’t getting you anywhere. Problem-solving leads to clear steps that you can take to improve the problem that you are facing, and then allows you to move on from thinking about the problem. But when a problem can’t be solved, the focus can go toward thinking about what might help you to get through it or to cope with the emotions.
For example, let’s say that you are starting college this year but some of your financial help that you were expecting to have is no longer available, so rather than living in a dorm like you are looking forward to, you have to live with your parents this year, which has led to some anxiety and disappointment for you. You’ve determined that the problem can’t quite be “solved” (e.g. you can’t get the money from somewhere else, no more loans are available, etc.) and living with your parents feels like the best or the only option. When you think about problem-solving in this situation, you might focus on what might make living with your parents feel easier for you and what might help you to cope with the feelings that are coming up, since you’ve already determined that the situation can’t be changed for now. Given that, your problem-solving might look something like this:
Problem: You have to live with your parents for this school year and are having anxiety about it.
Possible Solutions (and pros and cons):
Plan to spend more time on campus studying in the library until the evening to limit time at home (decreases the amount of time you spend at home, but you still feel anxiety and discomfort when you are at home)
Remind yourself of things that you will like about being home, like having food that isn’t from the dining hall (might help to soften some of the difficult feelings, but they are still there)
Stay over at a friend’s occasionally to have a break from being at home (decreases how often you have to be at home, but it is still where you primarily live)
“Even in situations that you have no power to change, you do have the power to make it feel a little less bad.”
You might notice that all of the above solutions address the issue in some way but don’t take it away completely. This is an unfortunate part of problem-solving, especially when you are doing it for a problem that can’t truly be solved. The idea is to make it a little more bearable, rather than to take it away completely (frustrating, I know!). In the above example, you might decide to do some combination of all of the possible solutions but also know that this situation is still less than ideal, and it’s okay to not be happy about it. Helping a little isn’t helping completely, but it can be better than not helping at all.
This can sometimes feel less than satisfying, but it also can give you some power. Even in situations that you have no power to change, you do have the power to make it feel a little less bad, and to find things that help you to cope. It can be something that’s well worth doing, even when it doesn’t fix things completely. The next piece of this is practicing holding the mixed feelings that can come along with having a situation feeling slightly better but not completely. We will talk more about what might help you to do this in the next blog article.
