Feelings Matter: Why No Emotion is “Wrong”
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or that you “should” feel more or less of a certain emotion? People often worry that their emotions don’t quite match the situation that they are in, or that their feelings are sometimes wrong. Feelings are not something that can be wrong in themselves; they are a really valuable source of information.
“Rather than telling us absolute truths about what is going on around us, feelings can be a really useful source of information about what we are needing at that moment.”
Sometimes feelings don’t seem to accurately reflect the current situation, and that can be because other things also inform how we feel about something, including our past experiences and our thoughts about what is happening. So you are not only responding to the current situation, but what it means to you given your own ways of thinking and perceptions that are partly based on other experiences. Since other people may have had different experiences than you, they may feel slightly differently about the situation, but neither of you is wrong in how you feel.
Feelings always come from somewhere, but we aren’t always accurate about the conclusions we draw from them. For example, you may feel angry at someone and believe that they said something that was intended to be hurtful. This may be true or it may not be. It is okay that you are feeling hurt and angry, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that our thoughts and interpretations about what happened are accurate. For example, if you have been abandoned in the past, you may be more likely to think that this is happening again even if the other person is not intending to abandon you. The thoughts we have are not always accurate, even if our feelings are valid.
Rather than telling us absolute truths about what is going on around us, feelings can be a really useful source of information about what we are needing at that moment. Maybe we need someone to speak with us in a different way, or to stop doing a particular behavior. Or maybe we need to focus on soothing our feelings themselves in addition to the outside situation. This can be a really good time to rely on supports and coping skills, like cuddling with a stuffed animal or blanket, spending time with a pet, or doing something distracting. Those sorts of things can help you to get through the intensity of the feelings so that you can feel better and address the situation in a calm way.
It’s also important to remember that feelings are not the same as actions. You have the right to be angry, but you don’t have the right to act on that anger in ways that harm other people. And the same is also true with others -- they may have the right to be angry with you, but you are still entitled to basic human respect. The feeling is always valid, but what you do with that feeling is separate from that.
I hope that in the next week or so you have a chance to practice seeing emotions as sources of information rather than as things that can be right or wrong. Whatever you feel, know that it comes from somewhere, even if you aren’t sure where, and find healthy ways to both cope with the emotions and manage the situation.
