Feelings: The Fire Alarms of Your Mind

Do you ever refer to feelings like anger, sadness, or fear as “bad” feelings, while referring to feelings like happiness, satisfaction, and calm as “good” feelings?  This is a common way to describe emotions (I’m guilty of it too!) but it’s actually inaccurate, and talking about them in this way can lead you to feel even worse, because it reinforces the idea that you should be feeling happy and should not be feeling angry, sad, or afraid.  The truth is, emotions are sort of like neutral messengers -- if you are having a feeling, there is always a reason for it.  If you feel scared or anxious, it might mean that something feels threatening to you, either physically or emotionally.  If you’re angry, that might be a sign that you feel like you are being treated unfairly.  And if you are sad, that could be from feeling some sort of loss.  Feelings are like alerts that let us know how we’re doing so that we know what to keep the same and when something needs to be changed.

I like to compare feelings to something like a fire alarm.  Like feelings, fire alarms let us know when there is something we really need to pay attention to.  It’s really annoying to hear it when it goes off, but it saves you from danger.  Of course, there are times when fire alarms go off accidentally when there really is no danger (like when you burn popcorn!), just like there are times when emotions are higher than what you might expect them to be, such as when you feel panic but know that you are not actually in danger.  In these cases, the alarm/feeling can be particularly frustrating because you know you’re being alerted to something that isn’t actually there.  But it still isn’t the alarm/feeling that is the problem.  Even if there is no danger, there is still something that is leading to what is happening.  In the case of a literal fire alarm, it could be something like dust particles or faulty wiring. 

“We need our feelings to let us know when we are doing something that is uncomfortable for us.  Without them, we would be more likely to stay in situations that are not good for us.  ”

With feelings, it can be more complicated.  Sometimes traumatic events can lead our minds to be more sensitive to certain things that remind us of trauma.  Or some of our minds naturally are more sensitive to certain stimuli.  Like with an actual fire alarm, you do want to address these things so you don’t have to have too much unnecessary discomfort.  But it’s not actually the feeling that is the problem -- it’s the trauma, or the extra sensitivity, or whatever the cause happens to be for you.  This can be a really helpful thing to work on with a therapist.  One goal of therapy is sometimes to see feelings as neutral -- not something to be feared or to be upset with yourself for having.  Just like you wouldn’t want to disconnect or throw out a real fire alarm, you wouldn’t want to stop feeling altogether.  Though that may sound nice sometimes, we need our feelings to let us know when we are doing something that is uncomfortable for us.  Without them, we would be more likely to stay in situations that are not good for us.  

With all of this in mind, it might be helpful to do the following when you’re experiencing a difficult emotion:

First, acknowledge that it’s uncomfortable.  The feeling may not be bad, but it also isn’t pleasant to feel.  It’s okay to not like what you are feeling -- that is expected to happen with certain feelings.

Second, think about what the emotion may be trying to tell you.  Do you need more support?  To feel safe?  To feel connected?  To take a break?  To be treated differently?  Something else?  Even if there doesn’t seem to be anything in the outside world that is leading to the emotion (e.g. a real, current danger), what can you do to meet that need?  What would help you to feel more supported, more safe, etc.?  Try not to argue with the feelings.  Instead, think about what they are signaling and what you can do to help, whether you see the emotion as “accurate/right” or not.

Finally, if you can, remind yourself of how important feelings are.  This is a tough one in the moment but may be helpful after the feelings calm down a bit.  Remember that feelings are ultimately there to help you, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.  By doing the above steps, hopefully you can start to feel a bit more empowered and a bit less scared when managing difficult emotions.